Do you ever feel overwhelmed, wondering if you’re fulfilling your role as a wife or mother? Do you ever worry about not giving enough attention to your children or your husband? Or do you ever just want to do better at balancing your life as a wife and a mother? If so, you’re not alone. Here, we’ll explore simple, steps to help you find your perfect wife and mom balance.
It’s important to first recognize that being both a wife and a mother is a blessing. Though it may not always feel like it, marriage and motherhood can bring a joy unlike anything else. It is also a sacrifice. Both marriage and motherhood require you to give all that you have and all that you are.
Considering this term “sacrifice,” I love the insight Bishop L Todd Budge shared in a conference address to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He said, “in ancient days, the meaning of the word sacrifice was more closely tied to its two Latin roots: sacer, meaning “sacred” or “holy,” and facere, meaning “to make.” Thus, anciently sacrifice meant literally ‘to make something or someone holy.’ Viewed as such, sacrifice is a process of becoming holy and coming to know God…” (October 2021).
When we view sacrifice this way, it transforms the daily demands of family life into something sacred and purposeful. Motherhood and marriage become an opportunity to be made holy.
Parenting is a 50/50 Responsibility
Now back to the balancing act. Parenting was never meant to be done alone—it’s a shared, 50/50 responsibility. This needs to be understood by all involved. Now 50/50 does not mean that each parent will spend exactly 50% of the time being with or caring for the kids, but it does mean that both parents are 100% involved in the choices and decisions made on how to best raise your children; you need to be 100% together on your goals for your family.
If you are a stay at home mom like me, you will spend 70-100% of the time alone with your children; however, you should never feel alone. By being 50/50 or 100% together with your spouse in goals, plans, desires, etc. you and your husband will always be together in the aspect of caring for your kids. Your body may not always feel it (I have plenty of back pain to assure me of that) but in a more internal sense, you will have peace in your parenting process.
The understanding of 50/50 parenting is an important part of feeling a balance in your life because it will relieve a lot of the pressure, stress, and burden you may feel upon your shoulders.
Your other-half may not be there for the toddler meltdown, but you will feel confident in the way you handle it because you’ve already agreed as a parenting-team what is best in that situation. They may not be there physically, but when you are 100% in it together, you will feel the strength of that bond in your everyday life.
COMMUNICATE!
As important as 50/50 parenting is, it obviously cannot be achieved without good communication. This cannot be emphasized enough. In order to feel a balance in your life, especially in roles as a wife and mother, you have to establish and maintain good methods and habits of healthy communication. No healthy, sustainable relationship can be formed without healthy, sustainable communication.
Explore Expectations
What should you talk about? Everything! But especially expectations. Many of the pressures you feel as a wife or mother come from outside expectations—what you’ve seen, heard, or been told. It’s important to talk about this. Discuss with your spouse what you imagine your role to be as a wife and mother, and his role as a husband and father, and ask him what he imagines.
Listen. There is no communication without listening. Your thoughts and feelings might be different. That’s okay. Explore the topic together. Create the expectation together. Throw out your previous expectations for yourself and your husband, and replace them with what you came up with together. (If a lot of it is still the same, that’s totally okay!) As you build your expectations together, you will feel more unity, which will increase your feeling of balance within your life.
Questions you could Discuss:
- What do you think my/your role is as a wife/husband/mother/father?
- How do you think we should separate household chores?
- Is there anything you think I could do better as a wife/husband?
- What do you think I could do differently to be a better wife/mother/husband/father?
- What do you think are the best practices for raising children?
- How do you think we could better establish an authoritative parenting style? (Authoritative parenting has been shown to bring the healthiest outcomes in children– T. Sanvictores, M. Mendez; “Types of Parenting Styles and Effects on Children”).
The questions above can help you and your partner establish healthy expectations together. They are meant to help start the conversation and bring you closer together. It is important to note that some of the questions are a little daunting. Remember, no matter the response, be nice to yourself, discuss this in a sense of love, respect, and openness. When asking what you might do “better,” this isn’t meant to be insulting or humiliating, rather, it’s an opportunity to glimpse what you’re doing from the perspective of your spouse. When done in love and respect, these questions will build your relationship, and give you a solid foundation to build on.
Establish Priorities
One other important discussion item is the priorities you have in your home. For example, in my situation, my husband is gone a lot because of medical school. I am often at home alone with our three young boys; however, no matter where we are, we have set that in our home, God comes first, then our family, and then school. This is how we prioritize our lives. Talk with your husband about how you want to prioritize your life and home together. No matter what comes in the future, we know that for us, God will always come first, closely followed by family. We have set our priority and foundation. Establishing clear priorities brings peace to daily decisions and helps you stay grounded when life feels chaotic.
Be Where You Are
Now let’s move to the practical side of finding balance. The above really requires both parties to be fully involved, but now we’ll discuss the things that depend fully on us.
First, be where you are! This goes for whether you’re with your husband or your children, or both. Be where you are. Be present. Be in the moment. One of the most damaging things to relationships in our day is technology. Social media is not a social thing in the home. Neither is gaming. When these things become a distraction, whether it’s TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest, ESPN, Fortnite, Pokemon, Minecraft, this post, etc., they destroy our balance. When your kids are around, be with your kids. When your husband is home, be with your family. Don’t let technology take you away from some of the greatest joys and blessings this world has to offer. If you want to find a balance, you have to start by being present. If the apps are too tempting, delete them. Do what is required for you to be present, to be where you are.
Along with being present, be involved, and help your children do the same. Need to clean? Invite your kids to help. Want to read? Offer books to your children too. Do it together. Yes, it will take more time, and may feel like an inconvenience some days, but you’ll be teaching your children in the process and your relationship will grow. You will feel more fulfilled as a mother.
Do It Together
This applies to your relationship with your spouse as well. Cherish the time you are able to spend together. If your children don’t have a bedtime, consider implementing one. Children’s bodies typically need more sleep and husbands and wives need more time together. So create the “us-time.” These are the times when it’s just you and your spouse. Take advantage of them. If your situation is like mine, then your spouse can’t just leave their job behind. And that’s okay! Still find the things to do together.
For example, start it simple: get ready for bed together. Few things build unity more than beginning and ending your day side by side. Depending on schedules, this can be tricky, but find what works for you. When possible (ie. your spouse isn’t working a night shift), get ready and go to bed together. Brush and floss your teeth together. Do those little things. Just maximize the time together. This is a simple place to start because at some point you both need to get in bed. So do it together.
If your husband has to study or do work in the home like mine sometimes needs to, consider doing it with him. No, I’m not suggesting doing his work or studying his material, but sit by him and start a book, a new crocheting hobby, or start learning something yourself. Being near each other and doing similar things can help you feel more united.
Of course, it is ideal to do the same thing. For example, if it’s a night where there is free time, no work or studying needs to be done, spend that time together. Play a game. Watch a movie. Listen to a book together. Whatever it is, do it together. Don’t allow yourselves to become separated by different interests. Dive into each other’s interests together. Compromise together. Maximize time together.
Minimize Unnecessary Separations
While maximizing time together, this means minimizing unnecessary time apart. This applies to both your children and your spouse. Your children love you and want to spend time with you, let them do so. If you love getting your nails done, consider finding a mobile nail technician who would be willing to come to your home during your kids nap time. This way, you maximize your time with them while they’re awake and use the time for you while they’re asleep.
Regarding your spouse: some individuals really love a “girls night” or “boys night.” Limit these occurrences. Your spouse is who you have chosen to spend your whole life with, so that relationship is the one you want to build and focus on. Some alternatives for those socially inclined are group dates or game nights. This way you can stay with your spouse, but also catch up with your friends out of the house. It would require a babysitter (unless you invite them into your home), but it allows you to be together.
Dating
Group dates was an idea mentioned above, but even more important are dates exclusively with your spouse. Make plans together. Do fun things together. Keep your love alive.
I once heard that it is a false notion to “fall in love” or “fall out of love” with someone. I believe this is true; love is always a choice. So choose to strengthen your love by spending meaningful time together.
Meaningful time will look different for everyone. If you’re like me, you’re living life on a tight budget (a budgeting post will be coming soon), which means you don’t have to spend money to have meaningful time together. A date can be either in or out of the home. It can be as simple as a picnic in the park or as extravagant as an expensive dinner followed by dancing or ax throwing. You can do a paint night in your home. Or a game night. Or a simple movie and treat night. In the end, what matters most is that you enjoy it, do it together, and keep it within your means. A more detailed list of date ideas will be coming soon as well.
Intimacy
Yes, this needs to be addressed when considering finding a balance in motherhood and marriage. Intimacy is an important part of love and your marriage. Don’t let it die. Some couples have no problems with this, while others struggle. If you have no problems, keep it up! Keep that flame bright. If you and your spouse do struggle, there are different places to start. There is professional help you can seek. If that’s not up your alley, consider brainstorming ways you think it could be better.
Remember the long section on communication? That is vital here. Talk about it with your spouse. Express your desires and/or expectations. Discuss what is pleasing or dissatisfying to you. If something is painful or uncomfortable, you need to talk about that too! Talk about sex with your husband.
Whether you are religious or not, Wendy Watson Nelson (RN, PhD, and marriage & family therapist), shares some powerful insights in her address “Love and Marriage” which I would encourage anyone to watch. Intimacy in marriage ought to be a sacred and powerful experience for you and your spouse. Consider ways you can make it such.
If intimacy feels difficult to rekindle, consider setting a day together, be that weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly, where you will be together and plan on ending (or beginning) your evening (or day) with sex. Keep pornography out of your marriage. Consider other methods that might help you. Do you need to buy some new lingerie, just to help you feel one step closer? Do it. I’m not one to typically promote sex toys (just the name “sex toy” alone sounds inappropriate and distasteful to me), but for those who struggle to feel some enjoyment during sex with your husband, you may consider purchasing a vibrator. I would not suggest using it by yourself, in fact, I would recommend avoiding that; I would, however, encourage you to include it in your intimate times with your husband. Let him know what you think might work or be best, and explore it together.
Use tools available to help you and your husband grow closer and become one as you experience the god-given gift of intimacy together.
Include Christ
I’d be wrong to say you could reach the best balance and feeling of wholeness without Jesus Christ. You could potentially find a good balance, but if you want to find the perfect balance for you and your family, Jesus Christ must be involved. As it says in Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” This is especially true when it comes to motherhood and being a wife.
Feelings of discouragement, frustration, exhaustion, and even the feeling that you will immediately fall apart and break will come in turn, but they never need to stay more than a mere second. Finding balance is the ability to rise above the strains of everything that would try to pull you down. This is possible in and through Christ. Turn to Him. I have found this most effective in prayer to my Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ. I’ve been in awe as feelings of peace, hope, joy, fullness, love, and encouragement have washed away all the negative feelings. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want to help us become the perfect wife and mother, and although we may not reach the “perfect” state any time soon, the process begins now. Jesus Christ will make ALL the difference in your home, your family, and your heart. Let Him be a part of your process.
Summary
- Understand that parenting is a 50/50 responsibility requiring 100% from both the Father and the Mother.
- Communication is vital.
- You must be present, in the moment. Replace your smartphone with a brick phone if you need to.
- Do everything you can together.
- Minimize unnecessary time apart. Maximize your time together.
- Date each other. Create and go on dates with your spouse.
- Love the Love in your marriage. Embrace intimacy together.
- Include Jesus Christ in the process.
Let me know if there were any insights here that helped you, that you loved or any that you would want to explore deeper. On the other hand, if there was anything you didn’t love, feel free to let me know that too.
