As human beings, we need each other. We need companionship. And marriage “is ordained of God.” But not all relationships are right. When determining if someone “is the one,” we need to consider a few important things.
Acknowledgement
President Spencer W. Kimball once taught, “‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; … it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage” (1976). This is true. President Hinckley’s words on this subject are also true: “This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry. … Marry the right person in the right place at the right time” (1999). When it comes to finding the right person, it’s important to get to know them. In the beginning, date casually; get to know a lot of people. When you think you have found the person you want to spend life and eternity with, it’s important to be fully aware of who and what you’re choosing.
Making the Choice: Things to Consider
The person you choose to marry will make all the difference. So here are some things you need to consider when determining whether or not they’re the right person for you.
Views on the World
Do you see, experience, and view the world in a similar way? Your views on the world need to be compatible.
What do you find funny? What is offensive? What is considered fun or boring? In addition to how you perceive things around you, your view on the world would include religion, politics, and a general view on life.
Charlie Kirk once told a student if you can’t watch the news in the morning together, don’t marry the person. You have to build on the same foundation. In marriage you’re meant to become one, and the closer you start together, the easier that process will be.
In order to determine how compatible you are, you have to talk. You HAVE to ask questions and have difficult and uncomfortable conversations. President Russell M Nelson once stated a simple truth: “Good inspiration is based upon good information” (2018). Get that information. Here are a few example questions:
- Who is Jesus Christ to you?
- What role does church play in your life?
- Who did you vote for and why?
- What do you think about (current policy)? (ex. ICE and illegal immigration, the war, medicaid/medicare, abortion, etc.)
- What is the purpose of life?
- Do you think it’s okay to ______? (ex. Lie in certain settings, steal if needed, swear, etc.)
- What kind of things should money be spent on?
Ask and talk about everything you can think of. Explore and ponder your feelings as you talk. Does it feel more peaceful or combative? Can you discuss topics with ease, or does it induce anxiety? The more you agree, the easier things will be. Talk about everything.
Understanding Each Other
It’s not only what you talk about, but how you understand each other. Do you connect soul to soul, or do you feel a disconnect? When you talk about your thoughts and feelings, does it all make sense to both of you?
Before I met my husband I was dating someone I thought I would marry. I talked about everything with him, but sometimes I walked away from those conversations feeling frustrated; I felt like I could see his point or understand what he was saying, but I didn’t always feel like he understood what I was trying to say. This contrasted starkly to the conversations I had with my husband when we were dating. I was shocked at how well he understood my thoughts and feelings. I would randomly ask him what he thought I thought about something just because it was refreshing to have someone understand me so well.
If you want to have an easier relationship and marriage, make sure you understand each other. The more effortless and peaceful your communication is, the less stressful and more joyful your marriage will be.
Hobbies and Interests
Going back to becoming one, it’s easier to be together often if you like to do the same things. You don’t have to like the exact same things, but the more similarities you have in your hobbies and interests, the easier it will be to have fun together.
While you’re dating, you should explore each other’s hobbies. You might find there are things you love. You may also come to know there are things you strongly dislike. It’s important to know these things.
If one of you loves to be outdoors, and the other hates it, it may always feel like a struggle. Are you willing to support them in their hobbies? Do they support you in yours? The more you like or dislike together, the easier it will be to become one.
Temperaments
Everyone is different, and that’s a good thing. But when it comes to marriage, it’s good to be aware of what kind of temperament and personality you have, and what temperaments you work well with. If you’re a fiery personality, there will be fire in your marriage. But the amount of fire or the frequency of outbursts will depend on how well your temperament matches or works with your partner’s.
Goals and Plans
This is important. Discussing goals and plans is vital in getting to know the person and yourself. Talk about everything. Start with generalities, and talk about it theoretically. Pay attention to your feelings as you talk. God knows you, and the spirit can work with you; so take note of your natural inner reactions as you discuss. In a way, you’re looking and analyzing your personalities and how you match more than actually making plans. Here are some questions and topics to explore:
- Family
- How many kids do you want?
- What is a good timeline for having kids?
- How do you celebrate holidays? Whose family do you go to if you go?
- Do you do trips without kids? Do you do trips without each other?
- What traditions do you want to have established?
- How important should religion be in your home?
- How do you split up household chores? (ex. Dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc)
- Where’s the best place to raise a family or where do you want to live?
- Work
- What do you want to do for a living?
- Should the wife work or stay home with the kids?
- Should there be a stay at home parent or both working?
- What’s an ideal work schedule?
- Finances
- How important is money to you?
- Do you share bank accounts or have separate accounts?
- What’s better– spending or saving money?
- What should you or should you not spend your money on? (ex. Big trips, new technology, housing, cars, going out to eat, etc.)
- Do you give your kids an allowance?
- Children
- What would you do if your child _____? (ex. Did drugs, got pregnant, got caught cheating, was watching porn, was throwing a fit, talking back, etc.)
- What’s the best way to discipline your children? (ex. Grounding, spanking, taking away privileges, etc.)
- How do you teach ____ to your children? (Morality or chastity, religion, kindness, etc.)
- When should your kids get a phone?
- Do you make your kids pay for their own things, give them things, or none of the above? (ex. Phone, car, clothes, etc.)
- Should kids go to a public school, private school, or be homeschooled?
- Should kids be forced to do something? (ex. sports, musical instruments, etc.)
- Personal challenges
- Have you ever had an addiction? (ex. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, video games, etc.)
- Is there anything you think I should know about your past?
- Have you experienced depression or anxiety?
A note on the personal challenges: you’re not there to judge the individual. Rather, you need to be aware of what you’re getting into, as do they. Addictions are an important thing to talk about because they will affect your relationship. It’s not a make or break all if they have had or do have an addiction; rather, you need to be aware of a difficulty that will be present, and whether or not you’re willing to work with it.
Ability to Communicate
This is highlighted in all the other topics, but honestly it may be the most important. So much of marriage is just your ability to communicate. The better your communication, the happier your marriage will be.
So really step back and analyze how well you communicate. Are you both able to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of how the other might react? Can you talk about anything together without anger or anxiety taking over the conversation? How are your listening skills? Do you both listen? Are the conversations two sided or one sided?
In a way, you choose how easy your marriage will be based on who you are and the person you choose to marry. The better your communication, the better your relationship will be. If it’s not great, don’t think marriage will magically make it better. It won’t. If it’s not great, you have two options: 1) talk about it and work on it together, or 2) find someone else to marry.
ALWAYS Include God
I love Pharoah’s words to Joseph in the Old Testament: “Forasmuch as God hath shewed thee all this, there is none so discreet and wise as thou art” (Genesis 41:39). In other words, God knows everything, so if He’s helping you, you’ll make good decisions. Let God help you with this very important decision. Do not do it without him.
You could ask every question in the world and still not really know someone. But God knows them and you PERFECTLY. So rely on Him.
I learned very personally just how well God knows us, and just how willing He is to help.
My Experience
As I mentioned earlier, there was a young man I thought was right for me and really wanted to marry before I met my husband. He was, and is, a great person. I honestly thought we would get married, but I didn’t want to get engaged until I had a firm confirmation from God that it was right.
I had felt confirmations from God before in my life. I knew what it felt like for me to receive that kind of revelation from God. And I wasn’t going to proceed without it.
Long story short, the confirmation didn’t come, and in the end we broke up. I was heartbroken. The following months were a rollercoaster of emotions.
In those emotional months, I met my now husband. I remember being struck by his goodness, but I was looking for reasons for why he shouldn’t be the one. I was slow to commit, but I didn’t want to let go of his goodness. And thankfully, he was really patient with me.
When I finally stopped putting up all the walls, I felt deeply in my heart just how good he was. After that confirmation, which came after months of doing things together in a casual way, I took the hint from God and he officially became my boyfriend. The confirmations continued, and we got married about a year and a half after we met.
In the first relationship, we would have conversations, and it seemed like one of us would always get upset or hurt. I thought that was very normal in a relationship because I had witnessed it so much. However, the conversations I had with my now husband, never ended in that way. We saw and experienced the world in such a similar way, it was as if we were one from the beginning. In my husband, I see how much God knows me and loves me.
God knows you. He knows the thoughts, desires, and hearts of everyone. He knows who is right for you. Trust Him. Include Him. Don’t do it without him. I feel His love in the relationship I have with my husband. In the right relationship, you can feel that too.
Expand your Capacity to Receive Personal Revelation
President Russel M Nelson once said, “My beloved brothers and sisters, I plead with you to increase your spiritual capacity to receive revelation” (2018). This applies directly to choosing a spouse. The better your relationship with God, the better your marriage will be. Seek to know and love God the Father and Jesus Christ. This will bless you in every aspect of your life.
An Important Take Away
The suggestions here aren’t really about how you can choose “the right” person. Rather, they’re suggestions that allow you to be fully aware of who and what you’re committing to. You choose what you’re willing to bear. Be aware of what you’re dedicating yourself to. They become your life.
Trust God. Seek His will. Blessings always follow.
Summary
In the process of getting to know someone and deciding whether or not they are “the one” for you, take the time to ponder these considerations:
Do we experience the world in similar, compatible ways?
How well do we understand each other?
Do we have similar hobbies and interests?
How well do our temperaments mesh?
Do our thoughts and hopes for the future match?
How is our communication?
Is God a part of our relationship and this process?
Is this the life I want?
